Chemo is poison. The exterminator was here the other day spraying and when I smelled the scent of the chemical he was using it reminded me of a chemo I used to receive. I then made a connection, both of them are poisons. While it may be disturbing they are probably quite similar. Both used to kill. Chemo kills cells. Each and every chemo cocktail came with it's own unique side effects. Methotrexate was one of the milder ones. Hair loss, dry mouth, nausea/vomiting. I received it through spinal taps as well as pill form. Vincristine. Pretty mild itself. muscle pain, joint pain, bone pain, tingling, numbness, severe constipation, extremely metallic taste when injected into port. They used to tell me that it was because it was running through the veins above the roof of my mouth. I would be allowed to suck on skittles and then spit them out because I was not allowed to eat before my spinal tap. Then there were drugs like doxarubicin. Otherwise known as "the red medicine." This was the first drug I received when I was diagnosed and admitted to the hospital. There was a reason. It rapidly killed cells and was a very strong poison. It was hung on my iv pole and began running through the little plastic tube until the tube turned red and it was running through my bloodstream. I learned after the infusion was finished that the side effects were a ticking time bomb. I never knew when they would hit me. When the bomb finally went off, it was hell. Although, anti nausea agent Zolfran was injected into my iv it felt like a sugar pill. I grabbed my pink basin and began vomiting, barely stopping to take a breath. My throat became sore and I became sweaty and cold. I would lie back down onto my bed and then a few seconds later my hair was being pulled back yet again. This was the beginning of the living nightmare they call chemotherapy. When I got my first bald spot I started wearing a hat. The chemo was finally beginning to reach the cells that affected hair growth. I would soon lose my eyebrows, arm hair, eyelashes and most importantly my long beautiful brown hair. My face would turn very pale and I would become extremely weak. Going up the stairs was tough. When I got to the top I sat down panting. I could feel my heart beating rapidly in my head. I would sit at the top of the stairs until my energy to walk down the hall came back. My taste buds became numb so food would taste extremely bland. The tips of my toes and fingers would tingle. I would wake up with blood clots in my mouth because my platelet count was 2. I would get infections in my mouth called thrush because of my low ANC. I would trick or treat in a wheelchair because I became immobilized with leg pain in October 2005. My mom and I stayed up the entire night singing Christmas carols because I could not sleep because of pain. I was on the maximum dose of pain meds and it still was not touching my pain. My legs were stiff. Rubbing them helped but nothing else did. I could not walk so had to be carried. However, I never EVER let this get in the way of living a normal life. If I had to be wheeled from house to house than so be it. I was dressed in my costume, my black "Spiderella" wig was put on my bald head, and I was placed in my chair. My only request was to walk to my neighbor's house. With great effort and high heels on I stumbled next door, being held up. I had made it and to me..that was a victory.
Although the chemo shots hurt the most they caused the least side effects. There were the PEG shots which were the three giant shots injected into my legs all at once and then there were the tiny shots my mom was given to inject into me daily. Both of these shots hurt like hell. When the chemo was being pushed into my muscle I felt like I was being injected with snake venom. I would cry in pain. No one can understand the pure misery that these shots were. I can never explain how different these shots were from your average shot. I preferred these horrible shots over liquid chemo though. I preferred a minute of excruciatingly bad pain over the torture of being incredibly sick for days on end. The chemo that disturbed me the most was Cytoxan. It was an infusion that lasted for hours. They had to pump me full of water and made sure that I was peeing at regular intervals to decrease the risk of a severe bladder complication. I had to get some of the poison out of my system. This bothered me deeply. Throughout all my time in chemotherapy I viewed my chemo as medicine as much as I could. However, when I was peeing orange pee every hour because I had to in order to not be killed by my "medicine" it was hard to continue to see that 7 hour long infusion as medicine anymore. There were times that I was so angry at chemo. I just wanted to kill it. I looked into the mirror after I got out of my bath and I looked like an alien. I didn't even look human anymore. I was skin and bones. I didn't have a twin that looked like me anymore. I had no color. I had no hair. I had scars. I had a big bump on my stomach, which was my port and my growth was stunted. I would lie on the couch and vomit until There was nothing but the lining of my stomach left but I knew no matter how hard I tried that I couldn't get that chemo out. I would play and feel good and then in a matter of seconds I would feel the chemo. I would have to go and lie down. I would almost burst into tears but I would hold it together. Tomorrow was another day and I could attempt to play again. I never forgot to play and I never forgot to smile.
When I was talking to my sister last night I finally realized that it was okay to complain about cancer. She said to me "yeah it sucked for all those people, but it sucked for you too. Cancer sucks. If you woke up everyday and said that to me I wouldn't blame you. I'm going to say it everyday from now on...cancer sucks." I laughed and then I thought about it. She was right, it does suck. It REALLY REALLY sucks. I love my sister for being the sister who she is. In this post I finally got to complain about something that wasn't fun. I finally remembered how I actually felt back then. I also remember what I learned and tend to forget. Hope means so much. If you don't have hope you aren't going to make it very far. If you are faced with a negative experience, you HAVE to have hope that you will get through it. If you have a bad day you have to tell yourself that it is okay! You have to remember that tomorrow is another day and you can attempt to play again.
