My Dream Life

I am babysitting for my favorite family right now and the kids are in bed, perfect time for a blog post! I've been thinking a lot about my future recently and I believe I have a really good idea of what I want out of life and what my plan is. Most teenagers don't have a clue what there calling for in life is but I have known for several years. My calling and mission in my lifetime is to help others. If I can help one person I will have succeeded. I plan to graduate high school and attend college in either Washington State or Oregon. Berkeley is also on my list to apply for. I was visiting the northwest recently and I have fallen in love with the culture and lifestyle, not to mention the absolute beauty. I plan to become a clinical psychologist sub-specializing in pediatrics. I would like to either live in the northwest or California and fall in love with a wonderful man or woman. I would then like to have two children, hopefully girls. Hartley and Elizabeth. Hartley was the name of my favorite babydoll when I was a little girl. One of them I will adopt. I cannot wait to decorate my children's rooms and playroom. I will buy all organic and try to keep their toys environmentally safe and modern. My biggest joy in life will be my children. I walk by children's shops and instantly want to go in. The mother in me is always thinking about how I will raise my children. I hope to have a beautiful two story house with dark hardwood floors and a massive kitchen. I imagine mostly modern with a mix of traditional. I want to have two cats and a family dog, a bichon frise. I would like to name one of my cats Cosmic Creepers from the movie Bedknobs and Broomsticks. I want a gorgeous yard and backyard covered with beautiful flowers. The backyard will have a pool, cushioned lawn chairs, a trampoline, a swingset, a playhouse, a covered patio with a grill, tv, and fireplace, as well as a garden. I would love to have a media room, three car garage and home gym as well. My life will revolve around my spouse, children and practice. I realize most of this is wishful thinking but within all of the extravagant details is a solid, factual plan and I intend my hardest on coinciding with that plan, my dream come true. What would be your dream life? Are you living it now? Comment below!

Your Past

I have been doing a lot of thinking lately. Sometimes I feel like you think you know what you want but when it comes down to it you don't seem to really want it anymore. I feel adolescence is a crucial time period in one's life. It shapes and molds who you are going to be for the rest of your life. I have been struggling with my thoughts of someone and their relationship to my life lately. As I will continue to learn, people come in and out of your life frequently. It is always sad but then all of a sudden there is someone new there to fill the void. When I find myself thinking about past relationships a huge part of me wants to do everything I can to get that relationship rekindled. I think about all of the fond memories I had with that person and I instantly am reminded of how I felt during that time. Normally, that person I am thinking of was very special to me and made me feel happy. However, how far should I be willing to go for the past? I am continued to be faced with tough lessons and the only reason I can think of as to why I am continually faced with this is that I need to learn something I am not grasping. I need to learn to let go. I need to learn that I am extremely happy with who I am and where my life is. I am in a school I love, I am babysitting constantly with children I adore, I am surrounded by people who love me, and I am confident in myself. I like who I am. I need to realize that if seeking a past relationship jeopardizes any of that then it is simply NOT worth it. When you can maintain your dignity above all else I believe you have really gotten far in life. Learning to let go and look forward is something that is easier said than done. There will always be that song or picture that triggers thoughts of a past relationship but you need to learn that your true friends will never leave you to begin with and if you have to fight for someone then that someone is not good for you. That someone is toxic to all that you have achieved. I am finally grasping that the past is what it is, the past. I believe that if you can say with complete confidence that you love who you are than no one on this earth is worth your pain or your time. My advice to all of you is, DON'T chase the past anymore. There is a reason that people are pulled out of your life and the reason, although you may not know what it is, is saving your life. So when you see that picture turn it around or when you hear that song shut off the radio. They do not deserve a mere second more of your precious time and your precious life.                                         

It Gets Better

Learning more about the "It Gets Better" campaign, of course I wanted to contribute! So here it is! LGBT community, it WILL get better.

Body Language

My new interesting read is about body language! It is amazing how much we speak through our body, scientifically more than through words! Psychology has become my thing and I feel body language plays a significant role in both how you read others and how you present yourself to others. Handshakes, smiles, arm crossing all mean something. The difficulty of reading body language is putting the gestures together. For example, scratching your head can mean ten different things unless you read the co-occurring gestures. It is explained in the book that each gesture is a word and you have to put them together to form a sentence. It is amazing how accurate each and every detail is described. After you've learned your new gesture sentence it is a bit addicting to read people endlessly! Unfortunately, I have a bad habit of starting a book and then abandoning it to read another one. I am currently "reading" a parenting book, a book about insomnia, The Happiness Project, and The Definitive Book of Body Language. I am also pursuing an online course in psychology. I did not think that my interests would end up here but I believe I have found my true passion in life. Now if I could only attempt one educational material at a time! It is overwhelming how many different fields of psychology that exist! While I know that I would specialize in child and adolescent psychology I cannot help but want to know EVERYTHING there is to know. Believe it or not there is even infant psychology! Apparently one of my many passions has gotten quite rambly so I will finish here. However, the next time you smile will it be genuine or fake? If your with me I will instantly know the difference :)

A Shout Out To My Dad

I would like to make a special post for my dad. I feel I did not give him enough thanks in my "7 Years Ago" post. On that day all of our lives changed. My dad was the rock that held everyone together. He comforted me immediately and told me everything was going to be alright, although in is head I do not think he knew that for certain. He spent many clinic visits with me, particularly spinal taps. He knew all the nurses and remained calm at all times. I remember he would plug in his Blackberry or laptop and try to get his business work done during the many long hours of a clinic visit. While I was in the hospital he would give my mom breaks so that she could go home and shower and make dinner. He would play card games with me and showed so much interest. He would bring my sister to visit daily and often brought friends along with her. He often brought my mom and I dinner or lunch from our favorite restaurants. He was at our beck and call. He was our rock always and our emotional support. I love my dad so much. More than you can imagine. I have always had a special relationship with my dad and I could never imagine a better dad than he is. Dad, I love you.

Modern Family

Modern Family has become one of my absolute favorite shows recently. I first started watching it last year on itunes but although I loved it I seemed to abandon it. I picked it up again recently and have become an addict. I just finished season two today and I have to admit I am a little sad that I will be caught up soon. I will not have my stash of episodes to watch when I need a good laugh. Modern Family is absolutely hilarious and is sure to make anyone laugh hysterically. My favorite character would have to be Claire Dunphy played by Julie Bowen. Julie is an incredible actress and she makes Claire's day to day life of being a housewife with three kids incredibly funny. What I love about Modern Family is that it is realistically funny. Everyday situations are portrayed with a great amount of humor because you can relate. I admit I am not a huge fan of comedy at all. When I am looking at the movies list at AMC if it says comedy I cringe and move on to the next title. Dramas and psychological thrillers are my thing. I believe my distaste for comedy comes from the fact that most comedies are extremely corny and unrealistic. Sometimes even using a laughing track. I can barely sit through them. However, Modern Family is the first show I have found to keep me laughing the entire 30 minute episode! The storyline continues from episode to episode enough where it keeps the show moving but you can definitely watch the episodes out of order without any confusion. The background for the plot is an extended family that is not your typical group of family members. It consists of the remarried patriarch Jay and his much younger wife Gloria Pritchett. They have a 12 year old son from Gloria's previous marriage, Manny Delgado. The rest of the family consists of Jay's children from his previous marriage and their families. His daughter Claire and her husband Phil Dunphy who have three children, Haley, Alex and Luke. As well as his son Mitchell Pritchett and his partner Cameron Tucker who have adopted a baby girl named Lily. As you would guess, I am in love with the fact that there are two gay main characters! My second favorite character is definitely Cameron played by Eric Stonestreet. Cam is absolutely hysterical without meaning to be and Eric completely pulls it off effortlessly. Modern Family portrays their gay couple with stereotype that I find is acceptable as well as funny. They push but just enough to not hit any boundaries and it is more of an embracement. At first you see the family as extremely untypical but as you get into the series you start viewing them as the traditional American family. It becomes the norm!

One thing I have to say about Modern Family is that I am a bit envious that my family is not more like it. My family here in Dallas is built up of three family units but I don't feel that it is necessarily one extended family. For example, I had to leave the table yesterday when we had my uncle and his fiance over because I found everyone started talking over one another and it was complete chaos. I have a very soft, sweet voice and it is hard for me to get a word in. I remember starting a sentence and my dad completely interrupting me with his much louder voice. When we are having table conversation I feel my sister and I are completely left out and the topics are things we cannot relate to whatsoever. I feel like no one cares what I have to say and I am continually talked over. I had finally had it and removed myself from the situation to not let my emotions get the best of me. In Modern Family it feels like one large immediate family. The aunts and uncles (sisters and brothers) taking all the kids in as their own. They care about what is going on in each other's lives and do not small talk. They spend time together on a weekly if not sometimes daily basis. Spending time together for fun as opposed to holidays and birthdays where I feel there is an obligation to spend time together. While I know that Modern Family is a television show I still feel they show the importance of extended family. Each family unit is a piece of a much larger puzzle. If you are not fitting your piece into the puzzle it will never be whole. So I not only encourage all of you to watch Modern Family and be hooked, but I also encourage you to reflect on how you are matching your piece into the puzzle.

7 Years Ago Today...

7 years ago today my life was changed in a dramatic way. I was diagnosed with cancer. I had Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia. That day will be a day that I never forget. I spent my first night in the oncology ward of Children's Medical Center and there would be many more nights to come. Children's would become my home for the 2 1/2 year protocol. As I sit here today I am in full remission and I have long beautiful hair. I could not be more thankful to ALL the wonderful doctors, nurses, nurse practicianers, techs, anesthesialogists, Phyisisian's assistants, cafeteria workers, cleaning women, child life specialists, social workers, volunteers, radiologists and ANYONE else who played a part in my treatment. Children's, you are a truly remarkable place. I could also not cherish my family and close friends anymore than I do. I have a truly special support system and I would not be here today without them. I made several friends at Children's and I lost two of them, Leo and Bobby. There is not a day that goes by where I do not think of and miss them dearly. My thoughts are also with all of the families working to get a child with cancer better. Cancer is a brutal disease and chemo is a brutal treatment. However, there is so much hope. Just look at me.

*This post is dedicated to my mom. My mom spent countless hours with me at the hospital. She was my caretaker, shoulder to cry on, supporter, advocate and most importantly friend. She was a true cancer mom and she took on a very hard role. Administering painful shots of chemo in my arm and crushing tons of pills at night. Fighting with the interns at 6:00 am in the morning telling them to let me sleep. Holding my hair back as I got sick in the middle of the night. Needlepointing next to me as I spent hours in the transfusion room. Asking millions of questions until she was satisfied. Wheeling me from door to door as I went trick or treating. Watching my chest at night to make sure I was still alive. In a way, I believe my mother was stronger than I was. I am so incredibly lucky to have Patty Kellar as a mom. She truly is the best mom that I could ever ask for. I love you mom. We did it!

Surprises

Surprises. When you think of a surprise what do you think? Good or bad? It seems we associate the word surprise as a positive word. A word that goes along with excitement, joyful, or pleasant. However, most of my surprises lately have been far from positive. I feel I have gotten into a mindset to keep my expectations low but I still am given continuous surprises that are even lower than my expectations. I am very surprised when someone I am talking to suddenly stops responding. I never have a reason or know why, it is just a giant surprise. I am surprised when I reach out to someone and I get a reaction I never would have dreamed of. Basically what I am saying is I am continuously surprised when I realize people are not who I thought they were. I am not saying that there are not times when I am extremely pleasantly surprised. A birthday gift I didn't expect. A new friendship with someone. Even a text. Pleasant surprises are rare and when they happen I cherish them deeply. However, surprises in general happen all the time. Most of the time they are surprises I would rather not be given. I can say with confidence that I would rather know ahead of time 90% percent of the time than have to be surprised. I can also say with confidence that sometimes the wonderful things in life are beautiful surprises. Would I choose to never be surprised? That is an extremely hard question. In the end I believe my answer would be no. There are many many times when something hits me suddenly and I just wish I would have known. However there are those rare surprises that light me up and make me smile. Those are the exciting surprises worth keeping.

It was a great night, until the next day

Have you ever made a mistake that haunts you weeks, months, even years after? You question "what if.." or "if this would not have happened..". However, it is too late. "what if" is not relevant. It is "what is" that matters. "What is", is that you made a mistake. Most likely a huge one in your opinion but you are your own worst enemy. Guilt is a tricky feeling. It is appropriate to feel guilt after a mistake because you are learning your consequences but when is it okay to stop feeling guilty and move on? When is it okay for others to stop criticizing you and start building you back up? If you ask me, what is absolutely most important is taking responsibility for your choices. I believe how you react to your mistakes in turn affects how others will react. If you deny that you did anything wrong or you defend your mistake, even though you know it was wrong, then how are others supposed to move on and forgive you?

I have done a lot of shit in the past year. I have lied, betrayed, self harmed, hurt others, participated in illegal activities. You name it, I did it.. However, all of that time I was constantly defending my actions. Constantly blaming others. Constantly getting angry at anyone who was angry at me. I did not realize then that the people who were angry at me at a right to be angry at me. I, on the secondhand, did not have a right to be angry at them. They were worried and scared about the path I was going down. In turn, it made them angry at my continuous mistakes. I was numb to anyone else's feeling but my own. Looking back now I think I knew right from wrong but that line had blurred to the point that I was willing to take the risk. There was always a small part of me that knew I was doing the wrong thing but the bigger parts of me always seemed to out rule.

When I went into the psych ward it forced me to think about my actions. No one was there to tell me what I was doing was no big deal. There was nothing to blur my line of right and wrong. All there was, was time to think and no outside influences to alter that. I was set in my ways being "normal teenage behavior" but each and every day I was in that facility my mind started questioning that. I was happy there. It was what I needed to pull me out of the dark hole I was in. To make me think harder. To make me reflect on who I was and who I wanted to be. When I left the psych ward I was not placed back in my old school. That was the first step toward change.

It is now that I finally feel the guilt. It is now that I finally take responsibility for my actions. It is now that I realize everything I was doing was wrong. It is now I apologize to family for what I put them through. It is now that I am angry at no one but myself.

Many things have happened as a result of my mistakes. Believe me, I was one out of many all doing the wrong thing but that doesn't matter. One of the things you have to learn in life is that you are responsible for no one but yourself. You can blame others all you want but it still will never change the fact that you, and only you, make your own decisions. You cannot let what others think or peer pressure influence your decisions. One decision can be the one that will affect your life forever.

There is, however, a time to learn from and move on from your mistake. A time for others to forgive you. That is, of course, after you have asked for forgiveness. A time to let go. What I have learned that is also very important is that you must forgive yourself. You must leave behind those who hold a grudge. You must let yourself off the hook even if others don't. That becomes their problem, not yours. You have done everything in your power to make things right and although you can't turn back the clock, it still matters. The residual effects of your mistake will always be with you. But you will never make the same mistake again. You have learned. You have gained wisdom and strength. At the end of the day, everyone makes mistakes. It is not the mistake that is most important but it is what you do with it that will matter for the rest of your life.